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I

I picked dried leaves from gutters.
On them, I wrote you letters in the tongues of Atlantis
and let them fly from my window;
I whispered your name, Indian spice in my hair.
I melted wax onto palms. I listened,
watched my shadows dance to a beat.

Oy, you know that beat,
come, come dance with me,
gray on gray, lips kissing soundless lyrics.
Translate my silences, but don't ask for the original.

II

My life clings like a spider to a windshield.
It kept rebuilding that web, all the way over the Alps.

Come, come, autobahn, take me away.
Burn my eyes with sunrises.
I’ll leave you the sunsets, their blazing colors,
their neon advertisements.
I don’t buy what they sell.

III

I am imitation girl with a pomegranate-seed soul,
with a teaspoon of mint extract instead of breath.
The neighbors see the light that never goes out -
shades washed white against night-dappled dreams.

Dream a truth for me,
write it down. Burn it;

send me ashes.

IV

I took a kettle and scraped the sediment from the bottom,
threw your words in and steeped what was left for tea.

With this poem, I wanted a difference to be made.
Somehow, o somehow,
make me different.
©2008-2009 ~SpokenAubade
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Submitted: July 24, 2008
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I like the tone of this piece. But, and please bear with me, I have some extensive and picky critiques.

First part, this line is too much: "I wrote you letters in the tongues of Atlantis". While I love the idea, I think it leave too little open for interpretation. Atlantis is too much a concept and is a bit discordant with what you're going for here. It is not concrete because, if Atlantis has a tongue, nobody knows it. Think of how much stronger the line would be if you took that limited word out and put in a much more descriptive word: "I wrote you letters in lost tongues". This would serve a double purpose, strengthening not only that line but the later line in the stanza, "Translate my silences". I loved this: "gray on gray, lips kissing soundless lyrics."

Part II. The idea of the first two lines is absolutely brilliant. However, there are some problems with them. "My life clings like a spider to a windshield. /
It kept rebuilding that web, all the way over the Alps." How can a life, on its own, cling to something? Did you mean you clinging to your life? And in the first line you talk about a metaphorical spider, but in the second you're talking about a specific spider with no transition between them. "I cling to life like a spider to a windshield, / rebuilding its web all the way over the Alps." Something like this is grammatically correct and has no ambiguity, is not unclear. I have only one issue with the second stanza: the autobahn is technically a proper noun, correct? Shouldn't it be capitalized? You have some really beautiful images in this part.

Part III. I love this. Gorgeous, beautiful, etc. These I absolutely love: "with a teaspoon of mint extract instead of breath"; "Dream a truth for me, / write it down. Burn it; / send me ashes. " Wonderful. Perfect. I see nothing here to correct.

Part IV. This part is superfluous. If it were up to me, I'd cut the whole thing out. It is never a good idea to tell the reader the purpose of the poem he or she just read. If the reader is worth anything at all, they should have gotten the meaning or meanings from the poem just by reading it. Anything needing revelation is still better left unsaid. Isn't that the greatest task of the poem - to say it without saying it? You've said it without saying it successfully throughout, so why say it now? Especially since those last two lines completely take on a different tone and vocabulary from the rest of the piece. Like adding emphasis to a wrong note in the song so that it stands out even more to the captive audience. If you must keep something, these lines are lovely: "I took a kettle and scraped the sediment from the bottom, / threw your words in and steeped what was left for tea." Just be careful here. It verges on a mixed metaphor. "What was left" feels cumbersome, but not too terribly bad. It would make for a much stronger ending than "With this poem, I wanted a difference to be made. / Somehow, o somehow, / make me different," which is frankly terrible.

But, like I said, I really like a lot of the images here. The tone and rhythm are quite nice. It just needs a little work, which I hope you'll consider, because this piece definitely has so much potential. +fave

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i like how it feels ... for me 'atlantis' simply ignites my fantasy ... and shrouds the rest of the poem with it ..
I really like this piece. The last stanza I think is my favourite:

With this poem, I wanted a difference to be made.
Somehow, o somehow,
make me different.


And contrary to one of the previous commenters, I really like the line I wrote you letters in the tongues of Atlantis. I think the fact that no one knows what that would be actually enhances the impact of what you're saying. I like the fact that the word 'Atlantis' is so obscure and specific; I think it paints a much more vivid image than "I wrote you letters in lost tongues".

But this is just my opinion.

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